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Axe Max.

About 'Axe Max'Edit

Max homes within The Forest that is spaced 5 by 5 miles around The Mansion itself.

Somewhere in the forest, Max is there. Axing and relaxing. He has a thirst for death and LOVES chopping and hacking the limbs off the people and animals he finds. Firstly, he was a loner surviving by himself hunting wild boar and deer, eating them raw and chopping the remains up in which he stored the bones in a giant hole that he dug. He has kept any and all fur from the animals he has slaughtered and creatively, removing grass, mud and shrubbery making a floor entirely of fur that spreads the whole field. It's his area. Do not enter.

But, nobody knows that before they go into the forest. Whether it is hikers or hunters - Max is fucking mad. He's going to get you - and oh, he will have his fun.

One night at The Mansion, we were celebrating Mike's birthday with countless drinks and glorious food. The champagne was marvelous, beer ice-cold and spirits of all types kept in the freezer for that frosted and refreshing taste. The night was late, 4:39am to be precise and Barry was getting a little too cocky. Of course, we dared him. Mike did, anyway.

"Okay Barry, you think you own the night with your crazy drinking abilities? I dare you to run out into the forest and ask Max for a fight."
Barry, slurring and paraletic replies, "Ughkay fuhkawf Mike, I'll fight Max he a pussy. Da axe he use ain't even big! Whadd'I get if I win huh?"
Surprised at his reply, we offer him 2 weeks off work - full pay, ONLY if he beats Max in combat. Barry set out the backdoors, tripping over the garden wall like a complete idiot - but it was hilarious to see. We watched him fade away into the darkness towards the tall trees of the foresty field, distant belching and singing could be heard until eventually the cushiony forest had him muted. We waited for his return...

Barry stumbled toward the rim of the forest holding back vomit from the 1 of 83 drinks he had consumed. He was okay. No vomit tonight, he thought.
He was leaning on a tree with one arm, looking into the deep darkness of the forest. Not a thing in sight and with squinted eyes - still nothing.

He stepped in feeling the furry floor on his bare feet, it was warm and quite nice. Much better than a carpet or rug. Barry had a big drunken smile on his face still as he turns his head around as if looking back at his Mansion friends that were standing nearby - which they weren't. He then faces back to the darkness and shouts, "MAX YOU PUSSY. COME FIGHT ME!!"


A whistling in the wind of some sort is heard. It sounds distant, then travels closer and closer. He stands around acting ghetto and cheeky, but slowly losing confidence as the whistling had gotten really loud.

Barry is then shockingly thwacked with a flying axe that floated probably miles from the forest. It bludgeoned him right through the shoulder and threw him back about 5 trees. The axe had pelted through his bone and had locked him into a tree - Barry was trapped, bleeding and suddenly in immense pain.

He screams out as his face is uncomfortably smudged against a giant tree trunk. He moves his trapped shoulder but it sends a burning pain throughout his body making him scream louder - a manly scream, the sound of a man that really needs help. He reached his free arm behind his back and felt the handle of the axe that stuck from his shoulder at an awkward angle. "Oh fuck, oh fuck man!" he cries.

In this unknown, dense space sounds are echoed through the silence. A singular pin could be heard a mile away. - Nevermind a pin, mind Max. Who was charging at full speed from some direction...It sounded like it cane from Barry's north for a long time, then the south. It didn't matter by now as he had no idea which direction Max was coming from. He WAS coming. Soon.

The distant yet close footsteps ran all around Barry, owls and bats were flocking from tree to tree as Max was shouting in his grovvled and smokey accent, "Pussy?! Just wait Barry you slave! I'm fucking coming for YOU!!"
The 'you' dragged with strong emphasis, as he finished yelling Barry replied, "I'm sorry Max! Please! It wassa dare man! I'm drunk, th..the guys - they put me up to this, man!" He cried and sobbed up against the tree bark practically hugging it. "Boohoo Barry. I don't give a SHIT you dirty colour. I don't like yer' kind, anyway. Should've thought about it before stepping those... (Max had arrived, pulling his axe from the shoulder) grubby ape feet in my fucking forest!"
Barry yelped at the pain, collapsing back cupping the blood that sprayed from the open sliced shoulder.

Barry regained some senses and looked up toward Max*.

"So you want a fight you little shit?"
"No! I don't man..please,"
"Let me guess: you're acting like a superhero cause you've had yourself some drinks, yes?" Max is stood flipping the axe with sublime skill, catching it perfectly even after a flip of 30feet height and with a complex rotation in the air.
"Yeah uh..yeah man. They put me up to it. You know? They always do it to me. I'm sorry if I woke you just, let me go..let me get my shoulder looked at, man." Barry says like an 8 year old boy caught picking his nose.
Max stops throwing his axe up and looks at Barry with genuine concern. "Aw..I'm sorry Barry! Yeah heh, sure. Go on atta here, silly," Max ruffles his hair and pats him on his back.
"Ruh..Really? Uh..Which way is it man?" asks Barry. Max points in no general direction, "That way, sir."

Barry says thank you and sets off to The Mansion. Feeling awkward and scared, bleeding and sore, he walks with a worried pace slightly tripping over roots and tufts of boa-fur not correctly placed down. He turns and sees Max still standing by the tree they were at - he was more of a white blur due to the vest top he wore. Why has he watching, thought Barry. 'Maybe just checking I don't mess around...'


Barrys eyes widen, his heart drops and he turns his neck so fast he gets that neck-burn sensation. The white blur is charging at him, Max was sprinting yelling, "RUN RUN RUN RUN!!" whilst laughing and throwing multiple axes at Barry. He knew he wasn't being let off that easily, how stupid of him to believe a man like Max...

Barry charges faster than he ever has before, so fast. Lightning fast.

He looks to his right where an axe had just wedged into a passing tree trunk and seeing Max effortlessy running next to him with a huge, cheesy grin on his face.
"Where you goin' Barry?" sarcastically said by Max.
"You late? In a rush?" but Barry didn't respond. He was just running, tears streaming down his face and his damaged arm flailing behind him. Max was physically laughing but in a distressed and pissed-off tone. A pyschotic laugh, a shouty-laugh right at Barry's running face. Barry finally looked at Max running by him and with that overly upset and bumpy tone of voice he says, "Ju-ust le-et me go-o!!"

Suddenly, Barry flew from the dense trees and flopped down into The Mansion's backyard.

Barry looked back at the trees where Max was stood, flipping an axe and laughing, but in a 'typical' way as if this happens all of the time. Barry's heartbeat was jacked as he remained laying on the lawn - safe, but damaged and not feeling drunk at all anymore.

Max won't leave the forest. It's his home. He hates intruders as Barry discovered.

We spoke to Max afterwards. He said, "I didn't want him to have 2 weeks off work. *laughs* Just gave him a little scare is all. No, seriously. Keep that cunt away from my land or next time, he's getting it."