The Old Fart

Commonly, a term used for the elderly. ''He's an old fart,'' meaning a rude behavioral old man who was way past his time years ago.

This explains Old Fart perfectly. However, we're using 'fart' literally. Old Fart came to The Mansion this morning (11th December) and has already raped several teddy bears, pissed in the corners of Rooms and has drank and smoked in the 'No Drinking' and 'No Smoking' zones.

Who is this man? ''Quite frankly, he needs to stop wearing my fucking underwear,'' to quote a Richelle who is just as annoyed as the rest of us. Old Fart had been pissing in Richelle's bedroom corner when he saw a skimpy pair of Richelle's worn, black-laced thong laying in her washing basket. On camera and in sight, we watched Old Fart as he finished his piss, shake off, and bend down into the basket.

He picked up the black-laced thong delicately, looking around suspiciously checking that the coast was clear. It was - and so Old Fart proceeded to examine the thong where her vagina would clearly be. He also fingered around the thong, feeling the thinner part near where her 'other' hole would be. Old Fart, if you can imagine this, began to throttle and jump slightly in excitement. He then stopped with a gleefully giddy face and raised the thong to his nose. He sniffed softly, as if a softer sniff would gather a more precise scent of vagina. To then, he sniffed extremely harshly. Sniffing, as if rubbing a perfectly cooked steak upon a starved face. We watched on as Old Fart started to floss his teeth using the thinner part of the thong. He was clearly wiping Richelle's other hole between his teeth and gums, consuming all essences and fibers of one of the most beautiful women that exists.

That's bad - of course. But nothing compared to what he did to Madz' nappy. We will allow your imagination to figure that one out...

*In the photograph taken of Old Fart, we see him having sensual sex with a feminine blow-up pig. He had previously had sex with the innocent teddy-sheep in the background, along with him sucking on the teets of the blow-up cow too, which also stands in the background.

Usually, when taking a photograph of a new guest or wanderer, the person either doesn't notice or looks massively worried that they've been caught. Old Fart instead, raised his middle-finger and continued to fuck the pig, wearing Richelle's bra and panties. He did this for 2 hours, climaxing 8 times and making a smelly, fishy mess.

'Fart' comes from what Old Fart does when he leaves a room. He finishes doing whatever he does, and then sits silently.

After the silence, he starts to burp uncontrollably. His body shifts as if the burps are coming directly from his stomach, like he's trying to regurgitate something large and painful - but instead, it's just preparation as Old Fart then does something that any woman would divorce him for (and probably did.)

He lifts his legs as far as he can (not far due to old age), he then holds behind his knees and pulls back and forth as if pumping a water lever. His bum hole then opens up, making peaceful wet sounds until a disturbingly shocking fart ejects from his anus-route. In slow-motion, the bum hole of Old Fart plaps and plips (make a machine-gun sound with your mouth by 'plapping' your lips together) it looks like a vibrating and popping balloon, but after the farting sound comes the stench and the aftermath.

The stench fills the entire room. Imagine consuming a mouthful of strong lemons, followed by an eye-full of vinegar and a nose-full of black pepper. This was described by Barry, who now looks as if he's been attacked by WASP, stung several times in the facial region. The smell in detail is eggy. Very eggy, followed by a matured blue cheese that has infused fish within it -- crabby fish that smells more sea-bound than that of your average cod fillet. Old Fart uses this to mark his territory - such as Richelle's bedroom, which has been thoroughly filtered through by Old fart including the dank and yellow piss he left all over the corner.

Old Fart also knows how to control his sphincter with extreme precision, being able to run at the fastest pace he can muster (not so fast due to his age) and jump in mid-air, performing a Jump & Fart, Tuck & Roll move.

Jump & Fart, Tuck & Roll 

When you see a victim, run at them from behind. Just before you get to them you MUST get their attention. When they turn around to see what you wanted - they should already be face-to-face with your bum hole. In which you let out a Jump & Fart. To escape, you must then Tuck & Roll and evade in any direction you want.

Old Fart has performed this trick 3 times today. Barry, Eugene and Clarissa. Clarissa is so small however, that he only needed to perform a Fart, Tuck & Roll. Old Fart commented on this saying, ''It's great having children around. I'm getting too old to be jumping around anyway.''

The Mansion of Delights is about to get very smelly, very fast. Old Fart has yet to be seen since farting in Clarissa's face - if you happen to see him we suggest you cover your nose and just run away until we figure out what to do with him.

This shouldn't be a problem however. Mike, who has a deep, deep love for Richelle watched the video of Old Fart sniffing her underwear. (Mikelle watched for him, and Cronus explained in detail what was happening, due to Mikelle's lack of vocal chords). Mike is now on a Mike-Hunt (pronounced My Cunt), where he searches for 'his' cunt to punish and own. Unless Old Fart is smarter than we think, he should be captured in no time.